For The First Time
by iminthedance818
Summary: Four times Dick Grayson thought he loved Barbara Gordon and one time he actually did.


1

Dick Grayson is 13 when he sees Barbara Gordon naked for the first time. It isn't much, just a little sliver of a glimpse between the shower curtain and the tile wall. It is sometime near the beginning of her term as batgirl, but their youth makes no difference. He's basically been in love with her since the first time he saw her red hair flying on the roof of the GCPD three years earlier.

He isn't even quite old enough to be anything but embarrassed at the fact, even though she was completely oblivious and he'd die before he fessed up. He avoids her eyes for the next couple of weeks and she notices his awkwardness, but when she remembers that he was raised by Batman, she lets it slide. Things settle down easily; he didn't see much.

It isn't until about a year later that the image comes to him in those very same showers _right_ as he's finishing one of his adolescent jerk offs. He's stunned and a bit confused that Babs of all people would become part of his repertoire, especially considering the Playboy he swiped from Bruce's teenage stash.

Even as they both grow up -both filling out their Kevlar in very different ways- this very first image becomes a regular in his spank bank. He's not sure why that one prepubescent glimpse sticks with him so much when he's snuck so many more enticing glances down her shirt since, but he guesses the secrecy has something to do with it. Any teenage boy could get off to Barbara Gordon, with her perky tits and tight ass and long legs, but that one little slice of nakedness, that's just Dick's.

2

Dick Grayson is 16 when he makes Barbara Gordon come for the first time. They'd been flirting and touching and stealing kisses for two years (almost exactly to the day that he first beat off with her on the mind) and one evening -in Bruce's office, no less- things go off a little hotter than normal and she ends up on her back on the sofa with her jeans unbuttoned and Dick's hands down her panties.

It takes a bit, neither of them more experienced than Dick trying to go down on Zatanna that one time (to no avail). Babs directs his fingers until they hit the right spot and moans as he strokes her to climax, breathing his name. He's a little boastful that he actually got her off -Barbara Gordon, who won't even admit when he's beat her in a spar- and she slaps his hand away, using her strong legs to flip them onto the floor so she can be on top.

Dick Grayson is 16 when Barbara Gordon gives him his first blowjob.

3

Dick Grayson is 19 when he fucks Barbara Gordon for the first time. It isn't sex, it isn't making love; it's fucking. They'd been distanced for a while, him working so closely with the Teen Titans, and her working on her degree at Gotham U. Apart from patrol and a few clandestine rooftop meetings (where he may or may not have copped a feel in a ventilation shaft) they hadn't had much _contact_.

It isn't like they're dating, or have any obligation to one another or anything, but it feels wrong not to be together, and to not be touching when they are. Batbrats, Robin and Batgirl, Dick and Babs. They're more of a dynamic duo than Bruce and Dick ever were.

Technically, Babs _had_ shown up on his doorstep to find a half naked alien princess, but there really wasn't any _physical_ evidence to suggest they were together, so she feels no remorse in pushing him up against the wall and biting his lip until she tastes blood.

They're in the middle of an argument when she just can't take her eyes off his mouth and the sexy way his biceps flex when he clenches his fists, no matter how hard she tries, so she cuts him off mid-sentence with a burning kiss. Less than a minute later, they're in his bed, a trail of clothing marking their path, and groaning as they connect.

It's fucking, and not sex or making love, because it's fast and hard and made up of all lips and teeth and crescents where fingernails break skin. Indescribable is the only word he can come up with to explain how it feels to have her in his lap, slamming down onto him, breasts filling his hands, red hair tumbling around them both. It isn't the same as any other time he'd been with a woman. Zatanna was just for fun and Kori was -well she was a little more than just fun, but less than love- not that this first time with Babs was love in any way.

Guilt was the word on both of their minds once they're spent and panting against his bed sheets. No matter the satisfaction they feel, it is nothing compared to actually crossing that line between friends and… something else. They don't talk about it, as per usual, and instead Babs just collects her clothes (minus her underwear, which had fallen behind a fern to be discovered by Koriand'r three days later) and lets herself out to return to her real life.

4

Dick Grayson is 21 when he has sex with Barbara Gordon for the first time. His relationship with Kori had been on shaky ground ever since his little night of passion with the batgirl and they managed to struggle through a year and a half more of it before she finally called it quits. He _did_ love Koriand'r, they had a connection unlike any he'd ever had with anyone, but it wasn't what they wanted it to be. It wasn't meant to last.

So, he's back in Gotham, set up in a swanky penthouse in Park Row with a nice view of the bay just a simple 20-minute drive from Wayne Manor. He and Babs have remained more separated than they have ever been, but he knows exactly where her apartment is in Old Gotham.

It doesn't happen right away; there is a five-month period of awkward meetings and struggles to not ever be alone together before Jason Todd is killed. That night is hard on all of them and Bruce retreats to the batcave, never having been good at sharing or dealing with feelings and Dick and Babs are left to each other to sort out the mess. It isn't like when his parents died. He saw that happen. Somehow, not being there when the Joker did in his only form of a brother makes it worse.

Babs is quiet and reserved, which is scary because all he feels like doing is throwing things and hunting down the Joker to his last breath with a batarang through his eye. Dick's never felt the true sting of revenge before. Even in his first mission bringing Tony Zucco down he never wanted the mobster to feel what his parents felt. Death was too easy, too final. And now Jason is on the other side of it.

He takes Babs up to his old room and they sit in silence on his bed for a while. When he finally tries to speak she stops him with a kiss and they fall back onto the pillows with no intention of stopping. He really wants to make her feel better and right now, with everything so fresh and loud at the front of their brains and the best way to do that seems to be to make her forget. Maybe the Batman is onto something when he buries everything to the lowest pit of his mind.

Instead of focusing on Jason or the Joker or his anger he focuses on pleasuring the woman beneath him as thoroughly as possible. That's what makes it sex this time. There are no sloppy kisses or shouts as he slides into her; this time it's slow and rough and more passionate than anything he thinks he's ever experienced, but he still doesn't love her. He isn't ready to love her. He makes her come twice, the first time right along side him and the second time with her knees over his shoulders and his mouth doing all the work.

It's a beautiful distraction, one they both need and they don't really talk about this one after either. Not out of spite and self-hatred, like last time, but because they both know why it happened and why it never needs to happen again. It brings them closer, strangely, finally proving to them that they are still best friends and willing to do whatever it takes to ease the other of their pain.

Barbara Gordon is shot three months later.

5

Dick Grayson is 29 when he finally makes love to Barbara Gordon for the first time. It's been two years since Koriand'r died and he found out that he has a daughter, six years old and shining with blue eyes and black hair like him, but tan skin and incredible strength like her.

Dick knows nothing about raising children. Sure, he was basically the mother figure when Damian Wayne showed up on their doorstep, but _he_ was ten and it wasn't Dick's kid. He can handle a brother, but a daughter?

Babs shows up at Wayne Manor the day Bruce summons him to inform him of his former fiancée's death and his parenthood ("It was a blood thing, Dick. From the experiments done on her as a child. It couldn't be stopped."). She rolls her way in, only for her smile to immediately drop as she looks back and forth between the girl coloring and the man she's known since she was a kid. She knows immediately.

He doesn't really want her advice or assistance, which she understands from that month right after she lost her legs where she really didn't want to see anybody (Especially the boy wonder, who thought she was invincible.) They're still friends despite the bumps in their past and they've tried extra hard to keep things platonic after the night of Jason's death. She's had a few men (including one resurrected Jason Todd) and he's had his ladies (he's always had his ladies) along the years, but that pull between them never really went away. As much as they tried to ignore it.

There's one night where Dick calls her up, frantic, because his babysitter bailed on him and he has to get to work (he's a police officer now) and Babs is so thrilled that he's finally including her in that part of his life that she agrees almost before he's finished asking. It doesn't matter that he has no other choice. She's always his go-to in a jam and she relishes that.

Mar'i Grayson is a sweetheart and her resemblance to Starfire doesn't repulse Babs like she expects it to. There's a good mixture of Dick and Kori in there and it does seem like a reflection of their relationship. Maybe they weren't meant to be together, but their union can still make the world a more beautiful place.

Dick seems utterly adverse to the idea of Mar'i being involved in superheroism in any way, but Babs still teaches her some moves when he's not there. She becomes such a regular in their lives that she begins to worry that she's infringing on Koriand'r's motherhood. She expresses this feeling to Dick one night on his balcony after having put Mar'i to bed.

"I don't know what she thinks of you as," Dick tells her. "But she hasn't called you 'mommy' yet."

"This isn't funny, Dick," Babs says with a punch to his shoulder.

"I've tried to explain what happened to Kori to her, but I don't know how much she understands," He says. "She definitely remembers her, but I think, by now, she realizes that Kori isn't coming back."

"Does she miss her?" Babs asks.

"As much as we all do," He replies.

Babs is silent. She wouldn't really say that she _misses_ Koriand'r.

"I really just can't believe she didn't tell me," Dick says, in reference to his ex about his daughter. "She had to have known that I would've been there if I knew."

"You would've married her?" Babs asks, a little expectantly.

"I don't know about that," He says, which is a damning relief. "I just hate that she died thinking I didn't love her."

"Do you?" Babs asks. "Love her?"

"I do," He admits, looking her straight in the eye. "But not like I should. Not like she wants me to."

Babs doesn't even have to ask, "How?" before he tells her.

"I don't love her unconditionally, forever."

"I don't know if anyone can love anyone forever," She says.

"I think they can," He tells her, reaching over to take her hand.

Babs rips it away almost immediately, "Don't, Dick. Don't do this again. We've been over it."

"Yeah, and you always give me the same answer: 'We're not ready yet.'" He says. "When will we be ready?"

"Maybe we'll never be ready," She says. "Maybe just _wanting_ to love me forever doesn't mean you actually will."

"Maybe I want to try," He says.

"So, you can what? So, you can end up miserable and alone with another illegitimate child?"

"I'm willing to take that chance," He says.

"Yeah, well I'm not," Babs says and begins to roll herself away.

"When are you going to stop being afraid of me?" He calls after her.

"I'm _not_ afraid of you, Dick," She retorts, that old batgirl stubbornness shining through. "But it isn't as simple as 'I love you.' We have so much more to consider now. You have a daughter for Christ sake. And I'm… like this."

At that he gets up and kneels before her, "Do you really think that matters to me? Do you think I think any less of you because of this chair? You're fucking crazy, Babs. There's nothing you could do to make me love you any less."

She has tears in her eyes and she lets him wipe them away, "You can't give me any guarantee that you'll feel the same way tomorrow."

"No, I can't," He admits. "But I couldn't give you any guarantee that grapple hook would hold you and you jumped off the building anyway."

Babs barks a humorless laugh, "You're in love with a girl you met 20 years ago."

"I don't think you're any different," He says. "You may look different and do different things, but you're still that same 15 year old girl who wouldn't stop until you got a job with the Batman."

"I don't want to lose you," She says quietly, the tears coming to fast for him to wipe away now.

"After all the shit we've been through you think you can ever get rid of me?" He asks.

She groans as she pitches forward, bringing his lips to hers. He's so fucking grateful in that moment, that he barely has time to kiss her back before he's sliding his arm under her knees and carrying her to his bed.

They're both half crying as they pull each other's clothes off, wanting to expose as much skin as possible. She can feel some warmth in her legs, but its nothing like it used to be when they were teenagers and he would run those talented hands down her thighs. He's on top (obviously) and he secretly likes it better that way because he can look down at her ecstasy-ridden face with her fiery hair spread around it.

It's actually making love this time because he does finally love her; he's finally _worthy_ of loving her and all he wants to do is show it. He can tell she's self-conscious and scared when he pulls her useless thigh up around his hip, but then he's hitting home and she just can't keep her eyes open. She moans, a little too loudly, threatening to wake Mar'i in the other room and Dick silences her with a kiss.

Her arms, strong and tight, despite her retirement, slide around him, one in his hair and one digging into his shoulder blades. In a lot of ways its like all their previous trysts mixed together. There's the biting and the shouting (muffled this time) with his fingers assisting in her upheaval and its sadsweet because never have their lives been more complicated and it still feels like a stolen moment; one that will be carved into Dick Grayson's brain for years to come; something only he knows and has.

He may not feel the same way tomorrow and that scares the death out of her, but it feels exactly like that first run with him and Bruce where she aimed that grapple gun and leapt off the roof like it was nothing. It was surely simpler then, but Dick does make her feel like that same girl again, despite everything that's happened. Maybe that's the secret of their passion: No matter what happens to them or the mistakes that they make they'll always pull each other back to those little fearless kids who wanted nothing more than to do good.

A/N:

Just a little oneshot I did to get some dick/babs out of my system. I played with the timeline a little bit, but if new 52 can do it, so can I. Hope this holds you guys over until I can get the next chapter of TM up. *Alternatively titled: "Four times Dick Grayson thought he loved Barbara Gordon and one time he actually did.* (now slightly edited because a friend of mine told me it could be more epic)


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